David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself, >>standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet >>dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors.
On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton <mortimer@VivoBook.X512D> wrote:
David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:I check for cheetos.
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself, >>> standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet >>> dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors.
On 1/8/2026 7:43 PM, Punga wrote:
On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton <mortimer@VivoBook.X512D> wrote:
David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:I check for cheetos.
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself, >>>> standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet >>>> dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors.
You find you're a cheeto.
On Fri, 9 Jan 2026 12:56:44 -0800, Justisaur <justisaur@yahoo.com>
wrote:
On 1/8/2026 7:43 PM, Punga wrote:
On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton <mortimer@VivoBook.X512D> wrote:
David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:I check for cheetos.
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself,
standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet
dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors.
You find you're a cheeto.
CHEETO
FREQUENCY: Common
NO. APPEARING: 5-50
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVE: 1" (3")
HIT DICE: 1 -1
% IN LAIR: 50%
TREASURE TYPE: nil
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: nil
SPECIAL ATTACK: see below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 100%
INTELLIGENCE: Semi
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil
SIZE: S
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil
The dreaded cheeto (also known as a wotsits) can be found wherever
gamers congregate. It moves very slowly on the ground, but is slightly
faster when airborne. It is extremely vulnerable to physical attack,
being easily crushed underfoot or by any significant impact. However,
it is nearly invulnerable to elemental or magical assaults. It can be
found as often in its lair (a plastic bag) as outside, and often can
be found outside its expected territory; cheetos get everywhere! It's
single attack is to spread orange dust everywhere, forever marking the
victim (or their property) with its indelible orange stain. Given the
numbers that appear, it is often impossible to encounter them without
getting marked. The stain repels members of the opposite sex and
attracts rodents (add +3 to all random encounter rolls). Although only
being of marginal intelligence, the cheeto is purest evil and will do
its best to ruin everyone's day in every (limited) way available to
it.
On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 11:26:27 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson ><spallshurgenson@gmail.com> wrote:
On Fri, 9 Jan 2026 12:56:44 -0800, Justisaur <justisaur@yahoo.com>
wrote:
On 1/8/2026 7:43 PM, Punga wrote:
On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton <mortimer@VivoBook.X512D> wrote:
David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:I check for cheetos.
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself,
standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet
dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors.
You find you're a cheeto.
CHEETO
FREQUENCY: Common
NO. APPEARING: 5-50
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVE: 1" (3")
HIT DICE: 1 -1
% IN LAIR: 50%
TREASURE TYPE: nil
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: nil
SPECIAL ATTACK: see below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 100%
INTELLIGENCE: Semi
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil
SIZE: S
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil
The dreaded cheeto (also known as a wotsits) can be found wherever
gamers congregate. It moves very slowly on the ground, but is slightly >>faster when airborne. It is extremely vulnerable to physical attack,
being easily crushed underfoot or by any significant impact. However,
it is nearly invulnerable to elemental or magical assaults. It can be
found as often in its lair (a plastic bag) as outside, and often can
be found outside its expected territory; cheetos get everywhere! It's >>single attack is to spread orange dust everywhere, forever marking the >>victim (or their property) with its indelible orange stain. Given the >>numbers that appear, it is often impossible to encounter them without >>getting marked. The stain repels members of the opposite sex and
attracts rodents (add +3 to all random encounter rolls). Although only >>being of marginal intelligence, the cheeto is purest evil and will do
its best to ruin everyone's day in every (limited) way available to
it.
Suggested additions
```````````````````
Cheeto dust negates any invisibility effect as Dust of Appearance.
Cheetoes have a charming ability that, if a save vs. death is failed,
causes the afflicted to seek out more Cheetoes obsessively to the
exclusion of any other activity. Dust encrustation becomes unremovable
after one week. Remove Curse can cure the afflicted from this obsession. >Cheetoes also inflict a powerful disease, High LDL, after 2 weeks of >prolonged contact due to the obsession. There is no save for contraction
of the disease. Remove Disease will be necessary should persistent
contact with the Cheetoes occur. High LDL causes one point of lost
CON/week until cured. Lost CON can be restored with a Restoration or >Wish/Lmtd Wish spell. At CON zero, the victim suffers Congestive Heart >Failure, and only Ressurection will restore such a character, clearing
the arteries of the afflicted. Anyone aged old or venerable automatic >contracts this disease upon encountering a Cheeto.
On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 12:02:02 -0600, Zaghadka <zaghadka@hotmail.com>
wrote:
On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 11:26:27 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson >><spallshurgenson@gmail.com> wrote:
On Fri, 9 Jan 2026 12:56:44 -0800, Justisaur <justisaur@yahoo.com>
wrote:
On 1/8/2026 7:43 PM, Punga wrote:
On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton <mortimer@VivoBook.X512D> wrote:
David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:I check for cheetos.
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself,
standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet
dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors. >>>>>>
You find you're a cheeto.
CHEETO
FREQUENCY: Common
NO. APPEARING: 5-50
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVE: 1" (3")
HIT DICE: 1 -1
% IN LAIR: 50%
TREASURE TYPE: nil
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: nil
SPECIAL ATTACK: see below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 100%
INTELLIGENCE: Semi
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil
SIZE: S
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil
The dreaded cheeto (also known as a wotsits) can be found wherever
gamers congregate. It moves very slowly on the ground, but is slightly >>>faster when airborne. It is extremely vulnerable to physical attack, >>>being easily crushed underfoot or by any significant impact. However,
it is nearly invulnerable to elemental or magical assaults. It can be >>>found as often in its lair (a plastic bag) as outside, and often can
be found outside its expected territory; cheetos get everywhere! It's >>>single attack is to spread orange dust everywhere, forever marking the >>>victim (or their property) with its indelible orange stain. Given the >>>numbers that appear, it is often impossible to encounter them without >>>getting marked. The stain repels members of the opposite sex and
attracts rodents (add +3 to all random encounter rolls). Although only >>>being of marginal intelligence, the cheeto is purest evil and will do
its best to ruin everyone's day in every (limited) way available to
it.
Suggested additions
```````````````````
Cheeto dust negates any invisibility effect as Dust of Appearance.
Cheetoes have a charming ability that, if a save vs. death is failed, >>causes the afflicted to seek out more Cheetoes obsessively to the
exclusion of any other activity. Dust encrustation becomes unremovable >>after one week. Remove Curse can cure the afflicted from this obsession. >>Cheetoes also inflict a powerful disease, High LDL, after 2 weeks of >>prolonged contact due to the obsession. There is no save for contraction
of the disease. Remove Disease will be necessary should persistent
contact with the Cheetoes occur. High LDL causes one point of lost
CON/week until cured. Lost CON can be restored with a Restoration or >>Wish/Lmtd Wish spell. At CON zero, the victim suffers Congestive Heart >>Failure, and only Ressurection will restore such a character, clearing
the arteries of the afflicted. Anyone aged old or venerable automatic >>contracts this disease upon encountering a Cheeto.
Coming soon to a D&D game near you: a menagerie of monsters based on
commonly eaten snacks!
I wonder how many satirical 'monster stat' blocks I have posted to
Usenet over the years... not as many as I used to, to be sure, but
back in the day (you know, when Usenet was still a going concern!) it
was far more common. Somebody would mention a thing and before you
know it, there'd be a response with stats for said thing.
I'm ashamed to admit that I am so out of practice now that I actually
had to crack open the Monster Manual to remember all the categories
required. ;-/
Somebody needs to dig through all the Usenet archives and compile a
list of all the monsters --satirical or otherwise-- submitted to
public scrutiny over the years. God knows it can't be any worse than
the original Fiend Folio ;-)
On Sun, 11 Jan 2026 11:36:17 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson <spallshurgenson@gmail.com> wrote:
On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 12:02:02 -0600, Zaghadka <zaghadka@hotmail.com>You know, the group is pretty dead. Why don't we both make this a weekly thing? You take 1e stat blocks and I'll take 3.5e stat blocks. We can do spells, monsters, mock encounters, whatever. I already have a parody 3.5e spell ready to go.
wrote:
On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 11:26:27 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson
<spallshurgenson@gmail.com> wrote:
On Fri, 9 Jan 2026 12:56:44 -0800, Justisaur <justisaur@yahoo.com>
wrote:
On 1/8/2026 7:43 PM, Punga wrote:
On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton <mortimer@VivoBook.X512D> wrote: >>>>>>> David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:
I check for cheetos.
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself,
standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet
dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors. >>>>>>>
You find you're a cheeto.
CHEETO
FREQUENCY: Common
NO. APPEARING: 5-50
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVE: 1" (3")
HIT DICE: 1 -1
% IN LAIR: 50%
TREASURE TYPE: nil
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: nil
SPECIAL ATTACK: see below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 100%
INTELLIGENCE: Semi
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil
SIZE: S
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil
The dreaded cheeto (also known as a wotsits) can be found wherever
gamers congregate. It moves very slowly on the ground, but is slightly >>>> faster when airborne. It is extremely vulnerable to physical attack,
being easily crushed underfoot or by any significant impact. However,
it is nearly invulnerable to elemental or magical assaults. It can be
found as often in its lair (a plastic bag) as outside, and often can
be found outside its expected territory; cheetos get everywhere! It's
single attack is to spread orange dust everywhere, forever marking the >>>> victim (or their property) with its indelible orange stain. Given the
numbers that appear, it is often impossible to encounter them without
getting marked. The stain repels members of the opposite sex and
attracts rodents (add +3 to all random encounter rolls). Although only >>>> being of marginal intelligence, the cheeto is purest evil and will do
its best to ruin everyone's day in every (limited) way available to
it.
Suggested additions
```````````````````
Cheeto dust negates any invisibility effect as Dust of Appearance.
Cheetoes have a charming ability that, if a save vs. death is failed,
causes the afflicted to seek out more Cheetoes obsessively to the
exclusion of any other activity. Dust encrustation becomes unremovable
after one week. Remove Curse can cure the afflicted from this obsession. >>> Cheetoes also inflict a powerful disease, High LDL, after 2 weeks of
prolonged contact due to the obsession. There is no save for contraction >>> of the disease. Remove Disease will be necessary should persistent
contact with the Cheetoes occur. High LDL causes one point of lost
CON/week until cured. Lost CON can be restored with a Restoration or
Wish/Lmtd Wish spell. At CON zero, the victim suffers Congestive Heart
Failure, and only Ressurection will restore such a character, clearing
the arteries of the afflicted. Anyone aged old or venerable automatic
contracts this disease upon encountering a Cheeto.
Coming soon to a D&D game near you: a menagerie of monsters based on
commonly eaten snacks!
I wonder how many satirical 'monster stat' blocks I have posted to
Usenet over the years... not as many as I used to, to be sure, but
back in the day (you know, when Usenet was still a going concern!) it
was far more common. Somebody would mention a thing and before you
know it, there'd be a response with stats for said thing.
I'm ashamed to admit that I am so out of practice now that I actually
had to crack open the Monster Manual to remember all the categories
required. ;-/
Somebody needs to dig through all the Usenet archives and compile a
list of all the monsters --satirical or otherwise-- submitted to
public scrutiny over the years. God knows it can't be any worse than
the original Fiend Folio ;-)
You can't grow a group without compelling content. ;^)
At the very least, we'll make each other laugh.
On 1/11/2026 6:41 PM, Zaghadka wrote:[snip]
On Sun, 11 Jan 2026 11:36:17 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson
<spallshurgenson@gmail.com> wrote:
You can't grow a group without compelling content. ;^)
At the very least, we'll make each other laugh.
there was at least one April Fool's Dragon magazine in the 3e years that
had snack monsters. And one of those adventures a week dungeons around
that time that had at least a pizza golem?
And of course there was the Munchkin D20 game that had stuff like that
(as well as the Dread Gazebo)
there was at least one April Fool's Dragon magazine in the 3e years that
had snack monsters. And one of those adventures a week dungeons around
that time that had at least a pizza golem?
And of course there was the Munchkin D20 game that had stuff like that
(as well as the Dread Gazebo)
On Sun, 11 Jan 2026 11:36:17 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson <spallshurgenson@gmail.com> wrote:
On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 12:02:02 -0600, Zaghadka <zaghadka@hotmail.com>You know, the group is pretty dead. Why don't we both make this a weekly thing? You take 1e stat blocks and I'll take 3.5e stat blocks. We can do spells, monsters, mock encounters, whatever. I already have a parody 3.5e spell ready to go.
wrote:
On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 11:26:27 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson
<spallshurgenson@gmail.com> wrote:
On Fri, 9 Jan 2026 12:56:44 -0800, Justisaur <justisaur@yahoo.com>
wrote:
On 1/8/2026 7:43 PM, Punga wrote:
On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton <mortimer@VivoBook.X512D> wrote: >>>>>>> David Chmelik <dchmelik@gmail.com> writes:
I check for cheetos.
Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself,
standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the wet
dungeon walls.
I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors. >>>>>>>
You find you're a cheeto.
CHEETO
FREQUENCY: Common
NO. APPEARING: 5-50
ARMOR CLASS: 10
MOVE: 1" (3")
HIT DICE: 1 -1
% IN LAIR: 50%
TREASURE TYPE: nil
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: nil
SPECIAL ATTACK: see below
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 100%
INTELLIGENCE: Semi
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Evil
SIZE: S
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil
The dreaded cheeto (also known as a wotsits) can be found wherever
gamers congregate. It moves very slowly on the ground, but is slightly >>>> faster when airborne. It is extremely vulnerable to physical attack,
being easily crushed underfoot or by any significant impact. However,
it is nearly invulnerable to elemental or magical assaults. It can be
found as often in its lair (a plastic bag) as outside, and often can
be found outside its expected territory; cheetos get everywhere! It's
single attack is to spread orange dust everywhere, forever marking the >>>> victim (or their property) with its indelible orange stain. Given the
numbers that appear, it is often impossible to encounter them without
getting marked. The stain repels members of the opposite sex and
attracts rodents (add +3 to all random encounter rolls). Although only >>>> being of marginal intelligence, the cheeto is purest evil and will do
its best to ruin everyone's day in every (limited) way available to
it.
Suggested additions
```````````````````
Cheeto dust negates any invisibility effect as Dust of Appearance.
Cheetoes have a charming ability that, if a save vs. death is failed,
causes the afflicted to seek out more Cheetoes obsessively to the
exclusion of any other activity. Dust encrustation becomes unremovable
after one week. Remove Curse can cure the afflicted from this obsession. >>> Cheetoes also inflict a powerful disease, High LDL, after 2 weeks of
prolonged contact due to the obsession. There is no save for contraction >>> of the disease. Remove Disease will be necessary should persistent
contact with the Cheetoes occur. High LDL causes one point of lost
CON/week until cured. Lost CON can be restored with a Restoration or
Wish/Lmtd Wish spell. At CON zero, the victim suffers Congestive Heart
Failure, and only Ressurection will restore such a character, clearing
the arteries of the afflicted. Anyone aged old or venerable automatic
contracts this disease upon encountering a Cheeto.
Coming soon to a D&D game near you: a menagerie of monsters based on
commonly eaten snacks!
I wonder how many satirical 'monster stat' blocks I have posted to
Usenet over the years... not as many as I used to, to be sure, but
back in the day (you know, when Usenet was still a going concern!) it
was far more common. Somebody would mention a thing and before you
know it, there'd be a response with stats for said thing.
I'm ashamed to admit that I am so out of practice now that I actually
had to crack open the Monster Manual to remember all the categories
required. ;-/
Somebody needs to dig through all the Usenet archives and compile a
list of all the monsters --satirical or otherwise-- submitted to
public scrutiny over the years. God knows it can't be any worse than
the original Fiend Folio ;-)
You can't grow a group without compelling content. ;^)
At the very least, we'll make each other laugh.
Isn't this what the "Netbooks" were, or am I misremembering?
They were the 1980s/90s equivalent of DriveThru RPG, where anyone
could create and share their D&D** ideas with other users, albeit with
far poorer production values.
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